Stopping the Manipulator in Your Life
If you are in a relationship, and only care about the other party and their experience, you leave yourself exposed to manipulation. When you show up to a relationship lacking confidence and understanding of why you are in the relationship in the first place, the relationship becomes one-sided. There is only one party’s experience in this relationship that really matters — and it isn’t yours.
In my 30’s I was in a very toxic romantic relationship. Intellectually, I was aware that it was toxic, and I had been aware of that for many, many months. I still stayed. I would celebrate the moments in the relationship that were good (they were very few and far between), and convince myself that if I stayed and continued to work at the relationship, I could generate more of those good moments, and there would be less bad ones. There were a few moments of absolute clarity where I knew this relationship was going nowhere. In those moments, I would tell my partner I was leaving. My partner would behave in one of two ways. The first few times I threatened to leave, he would become that man I had previously told him I needed him to be, and he would shower me with gifts and signs of affection. He would be able to maintain this new persona for about a week, and then our relationship would go right back to the way it was. Towards the end our relationship when I threatened to leave, he would insinuate he would either hurt or kill himself if I left. This threat stopped me in my tracks, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave. The day that we finally broke up, he called me while I was at work and told me he was going to kill himself and that he would tell my mom hello. My mom had taken her own life when I was 20, and it was something I was still actively trying to grieve, and when he mentioned talking to her, that was the moment he crossed a line there was no coming back from. I called the police and he was picked up, taken to a hospital, and put on a suicide hold. I backed my bags and moved out while he was on the hold, and I never looked back.
He reached out to me many times in the months that followed, so obviously he survived our breaking up. He had been manipulating me into staying by threatening to take his own life if I left. Once I had left, I realized two things. He did not kill himself when we broke up, and even if he had, there was no way I could have stayed with him in that type of relationship. If I had stayed just to try to ward off his suicide, I would have become a prisoner in my own life. What’s more, If I was staying because I cared about him and didn’t want to see him hurt himself, was he showing me he felt the same way about me with his actions? If a person is telling you that they will take their own life if you leave, is that showing you any sort of respect? Is it a demonstration that they value your happiness in this world? Is it proof that they love you just as they have told you they do many times over? It is none of these things.
I had spent my days in that relationship wondering how my actions would affect my partner, and had completely forgotten to take into account how they would affect me. A relationship that is based on the happiness of only one participant is a recipe for disaster. Furthermore, a person with a manipulative personality can easily see this weakness, and they will pray upon it. They will do anything they can to keep you frozen in place, where you become afraid to make a move that may cause them to do something you don’t want them to do.
I now go into relationships keeping a keen eye open to notice what the relationship is bringing me. Relationships in my life are no longer one sided. I still care if I am bringing value and fulfilling the needs of a partner, and at the same time I am making sure that I am receiving value in return, and that my needs are being met. If this is not happening in a relationship, then there is no reason for the relationship to exist at all. I keep in mind what is best for me and my life, and then I act accordingly. The fact of the matter is no one can control how anybody else feels, thinks, or acts. The only thing we can control is ourselves. With this fact in mind, the only logical play is to do what is best for me. It is the only thing I can actually control.
Realizing that you have rights in a relationship makes all the difference, and can quickly remove someone’s ability to manipulate you. If you are looking out for your best interests, someone with a manipulative personality will know you are doing that based on your actions and words. They are less likely to try to manipulate you. I’m not saying they won’t try, but it is less likely. If they do try to manipulate you into doing something when you are coming from this place, making sure you are protected becomes your main driver. Since your wellbeing is now paramount, you will avoid the manipulation.
Originally published at http://mastermindpersonalcoaching.com on January 26, 2021.
