The Danger in Being a People Pleaser
I have been a card-carrying people pleaser for the majority of my life. I told myself I behaved in that manner simply because I wanted to be helpful to others. When I started my own personal growth journey, I realized that when I told myself I was behaving this way to help others, that I was telling myself a lie. I was a people pleaser so that I could avoid judgement — people thinking I wasn’t nice, wasn’t smart, wasn’t helpful, etc. I was a people pleaser because I believed it would stop any negative attention or action from another coming my way.
When I began learning DBT, one of the homework assignments I received was to list my values and my beliefs. This homework assignment threw me for a loop. Looking down at the pages, I couldn’t come up with anything to write on them. That is when it hit me — I had no idea who I actually was. I had spent so much of my life trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had been the ultimate shapeshifter, trying to be and say whatever it was that was “right” in the moment. Because of that, I didn’t have the faintest idea what I really thought or believed. This realization brought incredible sadness, but it also brought something else — the understanding that not knowing who I was at the core was no longer an acceptable way for me to live.
From that point forward I started to make changes. When I interacted with others, I started to say what was on my mind. If someone suggested we go do something that I felt was unsafe or in bad taste, I said so. If a friend was telling me about how they were going to go about dealing with a situation in their life, and I thought there could be a better way to handle it, I would tell them. I started being an active participant in my life. It was through these interactions with others that my identity was truly born. I started to see the values and beliefs that I had standing out quite clearly. These things had always been in me, I just hadn’t given them a voice.
During this time of self-discovery, I decided to stop drinking. I knew that I did not like the decisions I made when I was under the influence, so I told my friends I no longer wanted to drink. Because I didn’t want to drink anymore, I no longer had the desire to get together for happy hours or go to night clubs. This was not well received by my circle of friends as this had been our central activity for years, but I knew it was the right thing for me, so I stuck to my guns. It was through decisions like this one that my true values and beliefs were spoken. As my behavior in relationships changed, I did lose people in my circle, some relationships went from close to distant, and I also deepened relationships with others. As I started to recognize my own value in what I brought to the table in a relationship, I found that some individuals responded very well to that, and we started discussing topics we never had before. The relationships became deeper and more meaningful. I also began new friendships with people I probably wouldn’t have met previously, before I had any idea of what I really stood for. Because I was showing up as someone who was strongly rooted in who she was, I was attracting like-minded people, and forming lasting relationships that reinforced that standing up for and believing in something was a good formula for a happy life.
While the things and the people around me were looking different, the most important change of all was occurring within me. I was beginning to respect myself. I was starting to understand that I had rights, I had value, and I had boundaries that I would not allow others to cross. I started to find the power within me to write the life story that I wanted to live. Before I knew it, my life was no longer happening to me, it was happening because of me.
If, after reading this, you think you may be doing a little people pleasing of your own, ask yourself, what are your values and your beliefs? If you aren’t sure of the answer, start your own journey of discovery — find your voice, find out who the real you is, and more importantly, discover what you are truly capable of. Stop hiding in your life and start participating in it.
